Mmmm, Cornflakes

For the past 25 years I have had a cornflake stuck between my eyes. The common reaction to this statement is disbelief but I swear it's the whole truth. I distinctly remember sitting in front of the television while eating dry cereal. I don't remember what I was watching but If I had to guess I'd say Sesame Street. I was rubbing the dry cornflakes into my face, enjoying the crispy texture. My mom told me it was everything she could do to keep me from putting my feet in whatever I was eating. I liked to feel the warmth or coolness of my entrees between my toes. It's like now when I'm taking an evening stroll on the beach- I like to spread my toes in order to feel the gritty coolness of the sand.

So, while I was exploring the cuisine sensations I decided to try to stick one in my eye. A cornflake, that is. So I started pressing slowly but steadily into the corner of my eye next to my nose. I pushed and pushed until the cornflake was gone. When I realized what I had done I panicked. I ran into the kitchen where my mom was washing dishes and I hurriedly explained to her that I had accidentally lost a cornflake in my eyeball. Now, as I remember it, my mom listened politely and then dismissed me back into the living room to finish my meal. In retrospect, I was probably going through that very young child stage where nobody understands what you're saying. I remember seeing a mom with her son in a grocery store once. They were in line ahead of me and as the mom loaded the food onto the register belt, her son struck up a conversation with me while strapped into the seat of the cart (or buggy, as old people say). This little guy rattled on and on about something very important to him. He made gestures and pointed to his knee and even laughed once as if he'd told a joke. I, however, didn't understand a word of it. I think that's probably how my mom felt.

So, I went on thinking that my cornflake situation was no big deal, due to the reaction I got from my mother. Days past, then months, then years. I know what you must be thinking. Cornflakes are perishable and it is probably gone by now. Well, it's not. I can feel it in there still; it's a part of me now. What I think happened was the cornflake acted as a sort of dam between my eyes. It created a clot between my sweat pores and my tear ducts and caused a, sort of, drought between my eyes. As time went by the cornflake dried out like a flower petal and, since it has never been disrupted, it remains in a mummified state exactly where I shoved it so many years ago. In fact, it has taken a permanent residence and has become an important part of who I am. I think if I removed it now it would be just like removing a nail from a car tire. The nail was never supposed to be there, but now it is keeping the tire inflated.

So, here I am, just a girl who happens to have a 25 year old cornflake stuck between her eyes. People ask, does being part human part cereal make me genetically superior? Well, I'm not sure, but I know it can't hurt. Cereal is delicious.

Palin Shmalin

I was undecided about posting this... It's sarcastic and insulting and not similar to anything else I've written. However, I'm not in the business of trying to change minds; that's not my intention. This blog was made for me to release my thoughts, and that is what I'm doing. So I hope we can still be friends.

Unfortunately and, much to my dismay, I am forced to take Sarah Palin seriously. Maybe it's because I live in Ohio and all you have to do is wear camouflage in order to get elected, but it seems like people think she'd be a great idea. You know what I think? I think that if she got elected for anything other than prom queen we would be a country with a retard for president with no vocabulary and a stupid sounding accent. Yep, I'm alluding to "you know who." We would be a country who were, once again, left asking ourselves, "how did we elect this person . . . what were we thinking?" I loath her; it's not just because my farts make more sense than her speeches, but because I vehemently oppose "The Palin Doctrine." Oh, and I do, in fact, mean her "world view." I printed out one of her speeches I found on the Tea Party website and my intention, at first, was to completely expose and poke fun at her rhetorical style. In other words, I wanted to prove how she strings together words with strong positive connotations in order to make people feel all warm inside while managing to make no sense otherwise. Sort of, a cheerleader-type person. However, aside from being trite, I found a much more pressing issue hidden in her words.

It has occurred to me that education and art is under attack. George Carlin once said that our government doesn't want a population of people who are intelligent and well educated. That would make it harder to polarize our perception of reality increase our ability to think critically. I hate to be so partisan, but that is exactly what the conservative movement is about. Making it a stigma to be educated and compassionate and then using the resulting "ignorant masses" to vote against themselves.

I noticed the war on education at an early age. My family members (now, mostly Ron Paul supporters)would criticize education, especially college education. "Liberal arts" were dirty, dirty words and synonymous with "communist" as far as they were concerned. Ron Paul wants to privatize education and not squander our tax money on frivolous things like "learnin." Because, in a polarized world-view, you can't have social programs without being full-blown socialists. Bush tried to eliminate federal funding such as the Perkins Loan, which assists lower income students. And, in Palin's speech, she criticized Obama for being educated of all things! Just like conservatives did to John Kerry when he ran in 2004. While Bush was pluralizing "internet," Kerry was being ACCUSED of sounding "too smart." Here we are, not learning from the mistakes of our past, rewarding Palin with applause for negatively calling Obama a "professor." WTF people? Yeah, I want people who read the newspaper to make decisions for our country. Sorry if that makes me an elitist.

Furthermore, compassion is also a nonsense word to most conservatives I know. It's naive and inefficient to feel empathy for people. Just like when Obama tried to resuscitate diplomacy in Washington. God forbid we stop stiff-arming everyone and actually listen. Conservatives in Washington have one tool and that's a hammer paired with a self-righteous view and Christian values (a nauseating combo). Palin asked her audience, "How's that hopey-changey stuff working out?" The lame attempt at word play signifies the lack of value she places on the concepts. During war time we want a Commander in Chief, she exclaimed to wild applause. A rugged, take-no-shit Maverick, is what it takes to be a leader. So, apparently, Hope, change and compassionate diplomacy are too feminine and weak, and critical thinking is too elitist. Hey, how about we take a bunch of anti-education Christians with a superiority complex and watch them shove contradictory values down everyone's throat! Oh, wait. . .

Let's Do it For the Boys

Often times, when asking an expectant mother which she prefers, a boy or a girl, I get the answer "I don't care, as long as it's healthy." That prompts me to think about what I would want if I had a baby. . . My hopes and dreams are much more explicit. Most of the time our collective society concentrates on the stifling stereotypes of women, and rarely does anyone focus on cultures victimization of men. Sometimes I get the sense that, perhaps, men are even more discriminated against than women. They are faced with a set of "rules and regulations" as to what it means to be a man. If I had a baby boy, I would want him to be healthy, that's true. But, I also hope that he remain free.

If I had a son I wouldn't insist on dressing him in "boy colors" as opposed to the, just as arbitrary, "girl colors." I wouldn't make a sour face whenever he did something considered "feminine," like choose a princess in a coloring book. If he decided to needlessly kill frogs or insects, I wouldn't snicker to my girlfriends with one hand on my hip and say, "boys will be boys." If he refuses to cry when ET phones home, I will kindly explain that crying is not "girly." Closing off to pain, afraid that it will awaken your compassion and empathy, will turn you into an ignorant male sitcom character(Dan Connor syndrome), and you will spend your life living in the sentient shadows.

If I had a son, of course I would want him to be healthy and strong, but I would also want him to be confident and whole. I wouldn't want him to obsess about his body and spend a small fortune taking vitamins, creatine, steroids,or energy drinks. I don't want him to spend hours at the gym destroying his muscles and putting endless strain on his joints and bones to perpetuation a commercialized standard of beauty. I don't want him to feel guilty when he eats a cupcake, which was a much needed switch from his baked chicken and egg white diet. I don't want him to torment his body and soul in order to feel beautiful. I don't want him to ignore all that life has to offer by trying to fill his voids with an elusive perfect body image. I want him to love himself and feel whole.

If I had a son I wouldn't want him to love sports. How terrible it would be to have a letterman jacket wearing teenager. I want my son to be radical! I want him to love strange, contemporary rock music (that I hate) and have friends who paint their nails and write poetry. I want him to try to start a band and play loud, expressive music in my basement. I want him to develop an authentic passion, like maybe he memorizes bird noises or has a strong affinity for foreign films. I swear my heart would break the day my son, who spent an entire Sunday watching endless football games, fell asleep watching highlights. I'd shew him and his robot friends out of my house before I'd let them play Madden on his Xbox for an entire Saturday afternoon. I want my son to engage in art and theater, if even just for fun, and I never want to hear about a book or movie being too feminine. I will show him that I am what it means to be feminine and that it's something to be proud of!

If I had a son that was gay I would tell him everyday that he shouldn't be ashamed of who he is, EVER, and I would battle anyone who tried to tell him otherwise. I would shield him from ridicule until I made him strong enough to deal with judgment. If I had a gay son I would show him that religion doesn't have to mean bigotry and hatred. I would expose him to a culture and spiritual community that loved and accepted him before I let the world try to degrade him. If he became a leather wearing, protester I would take pictures of him to my book club and brag about his brave heart.

There is so much pressure for our boys to disconnect from compassion and become a closed and ignorant man, completely devoid of personality. Culture says don't cry, don't wear pink, don't read novels, don't keep a journal, don't go to plays, don't dance, in fact, don't like art at all. . . And, whatever you do, don't be feminine Ever! We are creating an ignorant gender who's not allowed to feel anything, or participate in anything other than sports. What do we get? Dan Connor from Roseanne. . . An ignorant, helpless droid who is worthless when it comes to anything other than drinking beer (after all, wine and mixed drinks are for girls)and watching sports on TV. Not only do men like that nauseate me, but it's not fair to them. They suffer cultural bondage, just like woman do. Perhaps even more, as their plight seems to be ignored.

So, if I were pregnant and someone asked me what I was hoping for, here is the one answer I'd give. "I want a healthy, confident, free man. . . Just as long as he's not Republican."