Let's Do it For the Boys

Often times, when asking an expectant mother which she prefers, a boy or a girl, I get the answer "I don't care, as long as it's healthy." That prompts me to think about what I would want if I had a baby. . . My hopes and dreams are much more explicit. Most of the time our collective society concentrates on the stifling stereotypes of women, and rarely does anyone focus on cultures victimization of men. Sometimes I get the sense that, perhaps, men are even more discriminated against than women. They are faced with a set of "rules and regulations" as to what it means to be a man. If I had a baby boy, I would want him to be healthy, that's true. But, I also hope that he remain free.

If I had a son I wouldn't insist on dressing him in "boy colors" as opposed to the, just as arbitrary, "girl colors." I wouldn't make a sour face whenever he did something considered "feminine," like choose a princess in a coloring book. If he decided to needlessly kill frogs or insects, I wouldn't snicker to my girlfriends with one hand on my hip and say, "boys will be boys." If he refuses to cry when ET phones home, I will kindly explain that crying is not "girly." Closing off to pain, afraid that it will awaken your compassion and empathy, will turn you into an ignorant male sitcom character(Dan Connor syndrome), and you will spend your life living in the sentient shadows.

If I had a son, of course I would want him to be healthy and strong, but I would also want him to be confident and whole. I wouldn't want him to obsess about his body and spend a small fortune taking vitamins, creatine, steroids,or energy drinks. I don't want him to spend hours at the gym destroying his muscles and putting endless strain on his joints and bones to perpetuation a commercialized standard of beauty. I don't want him to feel guilty when he eats a cupcake, which was a much needed switch from his baked chicken and egg white diet. I don't want him to torment his body and soul in order to feel beautiful. I don't want him to ignore all that life has to offer by trying to fill his voids with an elusive perfect body image. I want him to love himself and feel whole.

If I had a son I wouldn't want him to love sports. How terrible it would be to have a letterman jacket wearing teenager. I want my son to be radical! I want him to love strange, contemporary rock music (that I hate) and have friends who paint their nails and write poetry. I want him to try to start a band and play loud, expressive music in my basement. I want him to develop an authentic passion, like maybe he memorizes bird noises or has a strong affinity for foreign films. I swear my heart would break the day my son, who spent an entire Sunday watching endless football games, fell asleep watching highlights. I'd shew him and his robot friends out of my house before I'd let them play Madden on his Xbox for an entire Saturday afternoon. I want my son to engage in art and theater, if even just for fun, and I never want to hear about a book or movie being too feminine. I will show him that I am what it means to be feminine and that it's something to be proud of!

If I had a son that was gay I would tell him everyday that he shouldn't be ashamed of who he is, EVER, and I would battle anyone who tried to tell him otherwise. I would shield him from ridicule until I made him strong enough to deal with judgment. If I had a gay son I would show him that religion doesn't have to mean bigotry and hatred. I would expose him to a culture and spiritual community that loved and accepted him before I let the world try to degrade him. If he became a leather wearing, protester I would take pictures of him to my book club and brag about his brave heart.

There is so much pressure for our boys to disconnect from compassion and become a closed and ignorant man, completely devoid of personality. Culture says don't cry, don't wear pink, don't read novels, don't keep a journal, don't go to plays, don't dance, in fact, don't like art at all. . . And, whatever you do, don't be feminine Ever! We are creating an ignorant gender who's not allowed to feel anything, or participate in anything other than sports. What do we get? Dan Connor from Roseanne. . . An ignorant, helpless droid who is worthless when it comes to anything other than drinking beer (after all, wine and mixed drinks are for girls)and watching sports on TV. Not only do men like that nauseate me, but it's not fair to them. They suffer cultural bondage, just like woman do. Perhaps even more, as their plight seems to be ignored.

So, if I were pregnant and someone asked me what I was hoping for, here is the one answer I'd give. "I want a healthy, confident, free man. . . Just as long as he's not Republican."