2015 New Year's Resolutions

I’m sorry to tell you all that I am a “resolutioner.” Not the annoying gym kind who binge exercise for a pointless three week period while I wait for them to get the hell off the equipment I use every day all year long. I am a different sort. I am a self-perfectionist. I am always thinking of ways or starting projects that make me a better, stronger, smarter person. I’m not saying it works out for me, I’m just saying I try. So New Years is a holiday made for a person like me. And so, I don’t just have one resolution, I have several. Here is a list of this year's three resolutions. 1. Live in the “Now” I often find myself dreaming about the future. For instance, I will day dream about a day when I am thinner; a day when my hair is longer; a day when I make better money; a day when Bryce can play baseball . . . Once upon a time I dreamed about a shorter trendier hair style. When I was pregnant and much bigger, I dreamed about being able to work out again. And now here I am working out with my short hair, literally living my dreams, and I’m too busy hoping for more to enjoy it. So this year I am disciplining my mind. Every time I start to live in the future, I am going to harness my mind back to the “now” and accept and enjoy things as they are.

2. Big Mind Boredom is no friend of mine. I’ve done my best destruction, of the self and otherwise, in the name of being bored. What I am going to say next may at first glance sound arrogant, but it’s quite the contrary, I assure you. My mind works fast; it races around like a speed skater from morning until night. I zig zag from one project to the next, often times frustrated because my mind is going far faster than my physical world. But see, it’s not that I am a superior being with a lightening quick intellect; it’s that I have no control over my mind. The people who control the pace of their thoughts and build the strength to focus are the people who display intelligence. They are the people who look back at their day’s accomplishments and see a path of projects they’ve done correctly because they took the time to do them right. That’s not what my projects look like. Don’t ask me to put together anything with screws. I will thread them all wrong because I don’t have the time or patience it takes to screw them in the right way. Just ask Paul Marzec who has to put all of our baby’s toys together because I didn't posses the mental strength to do it myself. He loves that about me. Also, a bored mind is a small mind, and small minds are destructive. A small mind creates drama for fun, gossips, and destroys relationships for entertainment. These symptoms manifest themselves into my life in the form of garbage people. Rather than herd my focus into an eight hour work day, I will supplement my work with the inane dramas of people who I don’t even like just to pacify my bored, idle mind. And then, after my work day is over, I’m left with these people in my life because I’ve led them to believe I care when really I was just bored. I realize this makes me sound like a terrible person, which leads me to #3.

3. 51% Positive Karma I am not one of those people who will tell you that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. I won’t tell you “it’s meant to be,” or “it could be worse,” or any of those other bullshit clichés that presuppose a loving creator, a grand plan, or a kind world. The world I see is one of cause and effect. Most cultures agree and have their own way of saying it. The third law of physics states that “every action has an equal and opposite reaction.” The Bible says “you reap what you sow.” The Qur’an, “What you sow, so you reap.” And in eastern religions you have the idea of karma, which means “cause from effect.” You get what you give essentially, so based on this idea, theoretically, I should be able to create a more positive and happier reality for myself. This is going to be difficult because I am, by nature, a real asshole. I don’t like most people, polite small-talk physically hurts me, self-loathing is funny to me, I like jokes at other’s expense, and faggot is my favorite word. Hell, I didn't even really like babies until I had one. Just a few months a grocery store cashier pissed me off and I dumped a bottle of water on her head. So, I am no Mary Poppins, let me tell ya. But I don’t have to do a whole 180. I don’t have to be the kindest or most agreeable person who’s ever lived. I just have to be more positive than negative—baby steps.