Slow Pitch Softball Guy

For me, slow pitch softball is a great time. It’s like a sports bar with the game on, but a game that I’m playing in so it actually holds my attention. Unfortunately, however, this has led me to surround myself with softball people. And let me tell you, softball people will make you want to fucking shoot yourself, because if there is anyone making life seem more meaningless, it’s a lower class Midwesterner dedicating all their time, money, and resources into make-believing they are a semi-pro athlete, and I’m here to save you from getting mixed up in that world like I once did.

Allow me to first explain that I think playing a REC sport is a wonderful thing and I highly recommend it. It is good exercise as well as a good way to meet fitness oriented adults who like wholesome entertainment. But I’m not here to talk about those people. I’m talking about “softball guy.” The same guy who buys a $300 bat and then spends an addition $150 to have it hallowed out, thus, turning it into a military grade weapon all so he can hit “piss missiles” during his coed league. Softball guy is like a nerdy small dicked business man who buys a red mustang to prove he’s a man. Except he's worse because he is willing to kill an opposing church league third baseman in order to do it.

At this point you’re probably nervous and thinking to yourself, “shit, I play infield, how do I know who softball guy is? I’m too young to die.” Well you can’t miss him. He has sweat bands on both arms, a hat turned ever so slightly sideways which communicates “softball swag.” It says I’m so good, I barely try to put my hat on. He plays seven days a week and he has pants, gloves, cleats, and accessories to match every one of his jerseys. No, he’s not independently wealthy; he just skipped paying rent this month. But, he lives with his mom, so she’ll understand. I mean, God, if he’s going to get “picked up” this season by a tournament team, he’s got to look that part.

You’ve probably already guessed it, softball guy isn’t that smart. The same unfair politics that prevented him from making it in the big leagues is the same bullshit that stunted his college career. His full-time gig doesn’t pay that well and his part time job, well, that’s softball and believe it or not, that’s not supplementing his income either. But who needs money when you’re playing for a tournament team? You’re basically like Obama so people give you things—like t-shirts.

There are, however, a few softball guys who win gaudy looking super bowl-like rings instead of t-shirts. They make mob style pinky rings look modest, and they are the end all, be all of slow pitch softball. If you have one of these suckers, you know you’ve made it. You’re the kings of the trailer park! When guys have this god awful hunk of jewelry, you will see it “nonchalantly” placed in the background of Facebook profile pictures. Like, “oops, how’d that get there?” There are even a few who wear those hunks of embarrassment out in public. It makes sense though, they’re basically like celebrities so they set the trend, right? The A-lister celeb, the Lebron James, the Mick Jagger, if you will, on every “renowned” softball team is the homerun hitter. And like any king shit of turd town, this asshole is on a power trip—Chief Oliver style. You’ll see him handing out super hard Charlie horse punches to people too intimidated to ask him to stop; farting in his hand and holding it over people’s mouth; dry humping people against dugout fencing. You know, a 30 something pretending to be a frat boy. Homerun guy walks menacingly up to the plate like a Neanderthal on steroids and smashes a ball the size of a cantaloupe with a $450 weapon 300 feet. And that, folks, is what sets this superstar apart from the rest of the “athletes.” And just like any high profile male ensemble, slow pitch softball guys have their own “groupies.” That’s right, the girls who have fucked every good team’s clean-up hitter in all softball leagues within a 30 mile radius. Softball girl is super drunk—always—and that’s because she’s nervous since she’s screwed one, if not two, players on every team she faces that season. She wears more make-up to the Friday night game than I have worn every day of my life, collectively. Slow pitch softball groupie doesn’t wear softball pants, she’s not athletic, and she’s certainly not in shape. But she is sure to have a midsummer tan all year and her softball shorts are considered Speedos in most European countries. For some of you reading this, you had no idea this world existed right in your proverbial backyard. It’s a whole nonsensical subculture buying portable sound systems so they can walk on a field to their favorite workout song like an MMA fighter; breaking their ankle but still showing up to Sunday morning league because calling off softball is harder than calling off work (priorities); Or, hitting batting practice in the middle of January because any little bit of practice that might crown them the next king of the trailer park is worth the effort. These people might be at your workplace, using all their time off to go to “worlds,” where they play three straight days of softball alongside 8 other teams full of people equally as lame and delusional as they are instead of taking their family or girlfriends on vacation. Yes, you know them or maybe you are one of them. If you know them, steer clear, you have better things to do. If you are them, I hope this was an insightful perspective. You’re lame, and you’re inbred subculture of white trash losers are the only people who don’t know that.

2015 New Year's Resolutions

I’m sorry to tell you all that I am a “resolutioner.” Not the annoying gym kind who binge exercise for a pointless three week period while I wait for them to get the hell off the equipment I use every day all year long. I am a different sort. I am a self-perfectionist. I am always thinking of ways or starting projects that make me a better, stronger, smarter person. I’m not saying it works out for me, I’m just saying I try. So New Years is a holiday made for a person like me. And so, I don’t just have one resolution, I have several. Here is a list of this year's three resolutions. 1. Live in the “Now” I often find myself dreaming about the future. For instance, I will day dream about a day when I am thinner; a day when my hair is longer; a day when I make better money; a day when Bryce can play baseball . . . Once upon a time I dreamed about a shorter trendier hair style. When I was pregnant and much bigger, I dreamed about being able to work out again. And now here I am working out with my short hair, literally living my dreams, and I’m too busy hoping for more to enjoy it. So this year I am disciplining my mind. Every time I start to live in the future, I am going to harness my mind back to the “now” and accept and enjoy things as they are.

2. Big Mind Boredom is no friend of mine. I’ve done my best destruction, of the self and otherwise, in the name of being bored. What I am going to say next may at first glance sound arrogant, but it’s quite the contrary, I assure you. My mind works fast; it races around like a speed skater from morning until night. I zig zag from one project to the next, often times frustrated because my mind is going far faster than my physical world. But see, it’s not that I am a superior being with a lightening quick intellect; it’s that I have no control over my mind. The people who control the pace of their thoughts and build the strength to focus are the people who display intelligence. They are the people who look back at their day’s accomplishments and see a path of projects they’ve done correctly because they took the time to do them right. That’s not what my projects look like. Don’t ask me to put together anything with screws. I will thread them all wrong because I don’t have the time or patience it takes to screw them in the right way. Just ask Paul Marzec who has to put all of our baby’s toys together because I didn't posses the mental strength to do it myself. He loves that about me. Also, a bored mind is a small mind, and small minds are destructive. A small mind creates drama for fun, gossips, and destroys relationships for entertainment. These symptoms manifest themselves into my life in the form of garbage people. Rather than herd my focus into an eight hour work day, I will supplement my work with the inane dramas of people who I don’t even like just to pacify my bored, idle mind. And then, after my work day is over, I’m left with these people in my life because I’ve led them to believe I care when really I was just bored. I realize this makes me sound like a terrible person, which leads me to #3.

3. 51% Positive Karma I am not one of those people who will tell you that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. I won’t tell you “it’s meant to be,” or “it could be worse,” or any of those other bullshit clichés that presuppose a loving creator, a grand plan, or a kind world. The world I see is one of cause and effect. Most cultures agree and have their own way of saying it. The third law of physics states that “every action has an equal and opposite reaction.” The Bible says “you reap what you sow.” The Qur’an, “What you sow, so you reap.” And in eastern religions you have the idea of karma, which means “cause from effect.” You get what you give essentially, so based on this idea, theoretically, I should be able to create a more positive and happier reality for myself. This is going to be difficult because I am, by nature, a real asshole. I don’t like most people, polite small-talk physically hurts me, self-loathing is funny to me, I like jokes at other’s expense, and faggot is my favorite word. Hell, I didn't even really like babies until I had one. Just a few months a grocery store cashier pissed me off and I dumped a bottle of water on her head. So, I am no Mary Poppins, let me tell ya. But I don’t have to do a whole 180. I don’t have to be the kindest or most agreeable person who’s ever lived. I just have to be more positive than negative—baby steps.