The Top Ten "Guys" You Never Want To Date

It has occurred to me how much I enjoy lists. New Years is one of my favorite holidays just because there are endless "Best Of" lists on every channel. Despite this fact, I have never written a list-type blog and, by golly it's time I did. In the best order I could muster, I have devised a top ten list of “Guys” you never want to date.

10. Stupid Movies Guy-- A few years ago a movie came out called, "Little Man." Here is the movie synopsis: A wannabe dad mistakes a vertically challenged criminal on the lam as his newly adopted son. It took me two seconds of the movie trailer to know, undoubtedly, that it was going to be the dumbest movie EVER. I also knew that anyone who didn't know that was a moron. Needless to say, Stupid Movie Guy got the axe.

9. Sports Guy-- Everyone knows Sports Guy. He's the guy you take to meet your friends and he has no idea what anyone is talking about until you mention "the big game," and then all of the sudden he can't be shut up. He can't tell the difference between "there" and "their" but he knows everyone who's been inducted into the football Hall of Fame, in order. He spends all of his mental activity watching ESPN and obsesses over his fantasy team. I fell asleep in the middle of writing about him. That's how boring he is.

8. Gay Guy-- Gay Gus is sometimes also Sports Guy. Gay guy owns ten black t-shits and is afraid to incorporate any other color for fear that it might be considered "gay." Gay guy will only drink beer, and hates vegetables. Gay Guy doesn't ever cry and even laughing makes him feel like less of a man. Ladies, if you ever find yourself shacked up with Gay Guy, it's only a matter of time before he leaves you for the quiet man down the street who keeps to himself and mows his lawn with his shirt off. Go ahead, check the history bar on your computer; you'll see.

7. Big Ring Guy-- Big Ring Guy has another name. It's Diamond Stud Earring Guy and he's gross. I don’t care if you were in the Super Bowl! Take it off; you look like a tool.

6. R&B Guy-- Here I am overlapping again. R&B Guy is sometimes also Diamond Stud Earring Guy. This guy has chosen the most commercialized, boring, and lyrically shallow music and dubbed it his favorite. You'll be able to recognize him by his cliché pickup lines and the pencil thin line of facial hair he left drawn around his face. Also, beware of goatees.







5. I Seen That Guy—My advice to this guy is, “Learn to talk!” No, you don’t ‘gots’ to do that. I don’t want to know about the movie you just ‘seen.’ And, bath is not a verb. Nothing turns me off quicker than a string of double negatives and the word “aint.” Read a book, Dude, you sound like an asshole.

4. Libertarian Guy—No you’re not—you’re a republican who learned a big word.

3. Republican Guy—Let me guess, the Arizona governor is your hero and you hate pressing one for English? Look, quit trying to Google Obama’s “real” birth certificate and get back to doing what you’re good at, giving all your rights away to private companies and masturbating to your Ronald Regan poster.

2. Fake Redneck Guy—I’m sorry, Sir, how is it that you have a southern accent after living in North Eastern Ohio your whole life? No I don’t like your John Deere belt buckle and I’m going to be honest, cowboys are only hot at a Halloween party or a strip club. Oh, and P.S., you’re not fooling anyone. We all know your confederate flag doesn’t represent your opposition to land tax.

1. Lives With Mom Guy—Lives with Mom guy is dangerous. He is able to seduce women with a brand new automobile, usually an oversized truck. He always has clean, new clothes and great smelling expensive colognes. He is able to take ladies out to fun places and he tips well! He seems like he’s the perfect man until you learn that he sleeps in till noon everyday and details cars part-time in the evenings. Of course, all of the above is possible because he STILL LIVES AT HOME! Run, Ladies, RUN!