I’m at a point in my life where I just don’t need certain people anymore. It’s not a lack of tolerance, it’s just that I’ve grown and I don’t want to deal with stupid shit. Over the last year, without being purposeful or conscious of it, I have been weeding people out. I have decided to make a list of the kind of people who, really, I just don’t want around.
Press 1 for English people—Or, maybe you say, “press 1 for American.” Look, American means a lot of things so get off your high horse. What offends you more, the cognitive complexity other cultures or that fact that your capitalist country finds it profitable to sell to Spanish speaking people? Cuz that sounds like you’re a communist, Hitler.
America is the best country on earth people—Really? Where else have you been? Two things, you’re South American ten day cruise doesn’t make you an authority. Secondly, and most importantly, if you were as prideful about being human as you are about being American, you wouldn’t be such an uncaring fuck.
I don’t know why people get so upset, It’s only a dog people—Just so we understand each other, if I had to shoot either you or my dog, I’d shoot the shit out of you. And to be honest, if I thought I could get away with it, I might shoot you anyway.
Global warming is a myth and I’m not recycling people—Out of all the things in the world to take a stand against, you chose recycling?! You skipped past unnecessary war, special interests ruining democracy, child obesity, animal cruelty, racism, and Christian/Islamic radicalism and decided recycling and conservation of the earth is what you’re going to fight against? Why don’t you a pair of garden shears and cut your tongue out. Trust me, it’ll be a favor to yourself. That way we can all pretend you would have eventually said something that mattered.
Pro-life people—Honestly, I don’t have a problem with the moral objection to abortion. What annoys the frig out of me, however, are those same self-righteous people who want to save babies are wildly in favor of the death penalty, and stockpile high-powered weapons in their basement, hungry for war. I’m sorry, pro-life person, I missed what you said about the sanctity of life. I was too busy staring at the deer head you’ve stuffed and mounted on your wall.
Always on the side of big business people—These people are always on the side of capitalism, no matter who it’s exploiting because that’s the entrepreneurial spirit that, you guessed it, makes America the greatest country on earth! God forbid we create a movement that boycotts large banks and their ridiculously unfair business tactics. We had better never call out McDonalds on marketing their fatty addicting foods to children. After all, they’re using their power to shamelessly pursue the all mighty dollar, which after all, is what really matters.
Ahhh, I feel a little better. Thank you, blog followers, for listening. Sometimes, I just need to be a jerk. This list will most likely be continued on another day.
