For me, slow pitch softball is a great time. It’s like a sports bar with the game on, but a game that I’m playing in so it actually holds my attention. Unfortunately, however, this has led me to surround myself with softball people. And let me tell you, softball people will make you want to fucking shoot yourself, because if there is anyone making life seem more meaningless, it’s a lower class Midwesterner dedicating all their time, money, and resources into make-believing they are a semi-pro athlete, and I’m here to save you from getting mixed up in that world like I once did.
Allow me to first explain that I think playing a REC sport is a wonderful thing and I highly recommend it. It is good exercise as well as a good way to meet fitness oriented adults who like wholesome entertainment. But I’m not here to talk about those people. I’m talking about “softball guy.” The same guy who buys a $300 bat and then spends an addition $150 to have it hallowed out, thus, turning it into a military grade weapon all so he can hit “piss missiles” during his coed league. Softball guy is like a nerdy small dicked business man who buys a red mustang to prove he’s a man. Except he's worse because he is willing to kill an opposing church league third baseman in order to do it.
At this point you’re probably nervous and thinking to yourself, “shit, I play infield, how do I know who softball guy is? I’m too young to die.” Well you can’t miss him. He has sweat bands on both arms, a hat turned ever so slightly sideways which communicates “softball swag.” It says I’m so good, I barely try to put my hat on. He plays seven days a week and he has pants, gloves, cleats, and accessories to match every one of his jerseys. No, he’s not independently wealthy; he just skipped paying rent this month. But, he lives with his mom, so she’ll understand. I mean, God, if he’s going to get “picked up” this season by a tournament team, he’s got to look that part.
You’ve probably already guessed it, softball guy isn’t that smart. The same unfair politics that prevented him from making it in the big leagues is the same bullshit that stunted his college career. His full-time gig doesn’t pay that well and his part time job, well, that’s softball and believe it or not, that’s not supplementing his income either. But who needs money when you’re playing for a tournament team? You’re basically like Obama so people give you things—like t-shirts.
There are, however, a few softball guys who win gaudy looking super bowl-like rings instead of t-shirts. They make mob style pinky rings look modest, and they are the end all, be all of slow pitch softball. If you have one of these suckers, you know you’ve made it. You’re the kings of the trailer park! When guys have this god awful hunk of jewelry, you will see it “nonchalantly” placed in the background of Facebook profile pictures. Like, “oops, how’d that get there?” There are even a few who wear those hunks of embarrassment out in public. It makes sense though, they’re basically like celebrities so they set the trend, right?
The A-lister celeb, the Lebron James, the Mick Jagger, if you will, on every “renowned” softball team is the homerun hitter. And like any king shit of turd town, this asshole is on a power trip—Chief Oliver style. You’ll see him handing out super hard Charlie horse punches to people too intimidated to ask him to stop; farting in his hand and holding it over people’s mouth; dry humping people against dugout fencing. You know, a 30 something pretending to be a frat boy. Homerun guy walks menacingly up to the plate like a Neanderthal on steroids and smashes a ball the size of a cantaloupe with a $450 weapon 300 feet. And that, folks, is what sets this superstar apart from the rest of the “athletes.”
And just like any high profile male ensemble, slow pitch softball guys have their own “groupies.” That’s right, the girls who have fucked every good team’s clean-up hitter in all softball leagues within a 30 mile radius. Softball girl is super drunk—always—and that’s because she’s nervous since she’s screwed one, if not two, players on every team she faces that season. She wears more make-up to the Friday night game than I have worn every day of my life, collectively. Slow pitch softball groupie doesn’t wear softball pants, she’s not athletic, and she’s certainly not in shape. But she is sure to have a midsummer tan all year and her softball shorts are considered Speedos in most European countries.
For some of you reading this, you had no idea this world existed right in your proverbial backyard. It’s a whole nonsensical subculture buying portable sound systems so they can walk on a field to their favorite workout song like an MMA fighter; breaking their ankle but still showing up to Sunday morning league because calling off softball is harder than calling off work (priorities); Or, hitting batting practice in the middle of January because any little bit of practice that might crown them the next king of the trailer park is worth the effort. These people might be at your workplace, using all their time off to go to “worlds,” where they play three straight days of softball alongside 8 other teams full of people equally as lame and delusional as they are instead of taking their family or girlfriends on vacation.
Yes, you know them or maybe you are one of them. If you know them, steer clear, you have better things to do. If you are them, I hope this was an insightful perspective. You’re lame, and you’re inbred subculture of white trash losers are the only people who don’t know that.
And just like any high profile male ensemble, slow pitch softball guys have their own “groupies.” That’s right, the girls who have fucked every good team’s clean-up hitter in all softball leagues within a 30 mile radius. Softball girl is super drunk—always—and that’s because she’s nervous since she’s screwed one, if not two, players on every team she faces that season. She wears more make-up to the Friday night game than I have worn every day of my life, collectively. Slow pitch softball groupie doesn’t wear softball pants, she’s not athletic, and she’s certainly not in shape. But she is sure to have a midsummer tan all year and her softball shorts are considered Speedos in most European countries.
For some of you reading this, you had no idea this world existed right in your proverbial backyard. It’s a whole nonsensical subculture buying portable sound systems so they can walk on a field to their favorite workout song like an MMA fighter; breaking their ankle but still showing up to Sunday morning league because calling off softball is harder than calling off work (priorities); Or, hitting batting practice in the middle of January because any little bit of practice that might crown them the next king of the trailer park is worth the effort. These people might be at your workplace, using all their time off to go to “worlds,” where they play three straight days of softball alongside 8 other teams full of people equally as lame and delusional as they are instead of taking their family or girlfriends on vacation.
Yes, you know them or maybe you are one of them. If you know them, steer clear, you have better things to do. If you are them, I hope this was an insightful perspective. You’re lame, and you’re inbred subculture of white trash losers are the only people who don’t know that.
